Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
