if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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