Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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