Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
