Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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