if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
