I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
