Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
