my mouth tastes like poor choices
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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