I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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