No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
