but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
