Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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