you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
