Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
