I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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