We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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