I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
