I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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