Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
