I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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