my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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