I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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