Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
my being single is dangerous.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
