How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
