Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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