FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
