im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
