my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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