the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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