Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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