My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
