Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
4 words: hood of his car
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
