i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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