Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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