I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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