New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
