my mouth tastes like poor choices
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
