1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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