I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
