New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
