Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
