I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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