I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
