A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
