two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
