Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
