Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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