Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
