I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
