I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
