im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize