Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
