Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
