are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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