He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
