I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
