I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
