if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
