So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
