I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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