my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
